I was thinking of this post, and one of my favourite relationship speakers wrote it.
Leke Alder is a insightful relationship expert.
I hope this explain it all.
Enjoy.
My dear Jill,
you found yourself dating a rich older man, middle-aged. You’re 30 I guess. You want to know how to relate to him successfully. Ok, here’s my advice.
There are two factors in this relationship – the 20-year age difference, and his money. Some will of course conclude you went after him for money. But we know better. You’ll have to live with that. Then there’s the fact he’s a divorcee. So you have a triple whammy: his age, his money, his past. He could of course date someone older than you, but he chose you. The reason he chose you… that is critical. His needs are different from those of your age mates. They are young. His needs are proprietary and custom.
The number one reason this older gentleman is dating you is because he sees you as a friend, a genuine friend. It might not have been apparent to him from the beginning, but that’s the label that fits the facts. It’s a realization. You probably make him happy. I suspect you were “there” for him at his hour of need, without realizing it. He sees you as standing by him in his unapparent doubts and difficulties, though you yourself might not have known. The decision to date you is coming from a deep place. It’s a need, not a whimsy. You’re an island of secret joy for him. You’re the one place he can withdraw to, a private shelter from the buffetings of his soul. And he feels you didn’t come after him for money, or what you can take from him. That’s what makes you genuine. People like that… People are always asking them for things. They give with hidden discernment about such, with a sense of sorriness. He knows they’re demand and supply relationships. Money can’t buy what you give. It can’t buy genuine affection. That requires currency of the heart. He can procure the other type of love – traded love. He’s a businessman. He’s accustomed to trading. Stop comparing yourself to those others. He chose to date you despite them. Get rid of your insecurities.
The number one thing you can do for this manfriend of yours is to be available. He really doesn’t want much from you, doesn’t need much from you. Just availability. It’s precious and highly valued. Given his psychographic profile he strikes me as someone who cherishes his privacy. Keep the relationship private. Trust matters a lot to him. Trust matters at that level. He’s got to be able to trust you, without questioning. It’s an unwritten and unverbalised trust. Whatever information he shares with you must stay with you. It can’t be gossip fodder, or something you share with your friends over coffee, or girls’ night-out. Once you break that trust you’ll lose him. You’re his confidant, though he may not always say much. Keep the confidences of his heart. He’s no Twitter or Facebook material either. He’ll feel you’re exposing him and violating his privacy. When a guy functions at that level he needs risk assurance. That means he wants to be in control of the variables. He’ll be indulgent but if he tells you not to expose something please don’t. Don’t feel you know “better”. He’ll consider your action “reckless” no matter your good intentions. And it will trouble him.
He has a sequence mapped out. Don’t reconfigure his sequence. He has a game plan for your intro to society. He needs to defend his decision to date you and he’ll defend his decision. He’ll do it in a way no one can question him. It goes without saying that notoriety is out of the question for you. He can’t defend that given his profile. If you’re a public relations embarrassment he’ll cool towards you, stay “off”. He doesn’t need drama. Don’t change after the fact into a grasping individual. He’ll be disappointed. He wants to give, not to be taken from. The reason he gets disappointed with graspers is because what they’re grasping for he can give without their asking.
Don’t seek to control and manipulate him. He may “submit” but as he does he’s making silent decisions. And you’re going to come off rude trying to tell him what to do and giving him instructions. It’s presumptuous. When you try to control what you have no capacity to control or exercise authority over, you come across as irritable. But he won’t mind loving firmness – especially concerning his health and diet. That shows you care. Credit him with intelligence and experience. If he allows you to manipulate him you can be sure he’s not planning a future with you. You’re an expediency. Retain the essence of what the relationship was built on- sincerity of heart. He likes that you’re sincere. And that makes you safe. He doesn’t need to second-guess your actions.
Let me talk a bit more about availability. This guy doesn’t strike me as someone who goes out a lot. Therefore spending time with him will be important to him. If every time he needs you you’re unavailable, he will seek to have no need of you. You’re not meeting his visceral needs. You must also reconcile yourself to the fact that he’s used to power and authority. Respect is important in this kind of relationship. Rudeness will be off-putting. Because he trusts you he’ll be emotionally naked with you. Trusting you with his emotions is a big deal. But he’ll hold back some, to protect himself from “possible” disappointment. It’s a margin of error. He won’t be open to many people. May be none other than you. There’s something in you he likes.
And don’t take him for granted. He’ll cool towards you inside, pensively; begin to “distance” himself. Be yourself, as always, and let him be himself. At that age he probably has some routines. Adapt. Don’t expect minute-by-minute texts and phone calls. He’s the busy type. You must be understanding. You can’t be in relationship with this kind of man without maturity. You need maturity. At that level of attainment and with his history, he probably just wants simplicity, peace and harmony. No issues. Don’t repeat the mistake of the woman in his past. I hope this has been helpful, though not structured. Oh, I forgot: he’ll like you beautiful-looking. It’s why he buys those expensive dresses and jewelry for you.
Dating an older Man by Leke Alder
